Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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