And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
