my mouth tastes like poor choices
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
