I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
