Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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