OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
