sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
