I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
