to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
