So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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