John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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