She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
