Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
