Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
did you just send me my own nude
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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