Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
