nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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