I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
