Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
