A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
