First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
