i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i out mim tonsoeep
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