he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
