i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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