It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize