there was a trapeze. enough said
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
