So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
