I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
