happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was confusing and full of hummus
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
