I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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