Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
