Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
