I need help removing her.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
