he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
