Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
