I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This is classic penis vs brain.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
