I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
