I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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