after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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