So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
