I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
