I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
