You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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