So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize