What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
