I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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