You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
