so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
