Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
