I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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