if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
