We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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