i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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