take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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