i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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