yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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